How Easy It is to Rip One's Penis
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Alright, so this just caught my eye as I was busy killing the three hours between my classes, and trying to put off a much-anticipated showdown with the accounts receivable department of the particular institution I attend. It seems especially fitting since my first soccer game of the new fall season is tonight at 6:30.
(I'd ask you to wish me luck, but we're playing a team from the Pharmacy School. We being a contingent known as IFC, or Internationale Football Club, made up of members from Argentina, Colombia, Mexico, El Salvador, Spain, Latvia, Nigeria, Iraq, Italy, and the United States, as well as some others which I'm sure I've forgotten. As I said, the team we are playing is from the Pharmacy School. If you're going to wish luck, I ask in all sincerity that you send it their way, for we will fall upon them like starving barbarians on a wayward pack of mostly injured gazelle. But I digress.)
I am, as I said, looking to kill some time, and I happened on this story. It appears that Chavdar Yankow, who plays professionally in Europe, was tackled during a game. No biggie. Except the tackle happened to rip his penis open. Opened a 3-inch gash. 3 INCHES!!! Now, I believe that the average penis size for men is 6 inches, roughly twice the length of said gash. I would, at this moment, like everyone to perform an exercise in order to more fully understand the gravity of the situation.
Those of you among my readers who happen to be male, I would like you to drop your pants, and any underwear you may be wearing, and look at your penis. As I am assuming that everyone is average, I would now like you to imagine it ripped open for half of its length, starting at either the base or the tip, I'm really not picky, as either way should be rather excruciating for you to even think about. For my readers who happen to be female, I'd like you to journey to your local penis and then attempt the exercise exactly as I have delineated it above.
For those of you females unsure of how to approach a penis to request what may seem to be an "odd" experiment, I suggest you take the following action: Approach the owner of the penis and say "I want to see your penis." Ali Baba could not find a better magic phrase.
Now that we've all become acquainted with the true gravity of the situation, I would like to further mention that said soccer player who got his penis ripped open promptly proceeded to get himself stitched up. He then returned to the field, where he scored (the only scoring he'll do for awhile) for his side in a 2-0 victory. This just brought to my mind the wrongly held stereotype that soccer is a safe and courteous sport (hooliganism notwithstanding). To proponents of this theory, I hold up this story as a bright and shining middle finger of truth. And I suggest a new marketing slogan for American soccer, one that is sure to rile up public support amongst a nation of fans that flock to the much-padded violence of American football:
"Soccer: You can rip our penis open, but we still manage to score."
Amen.
Alright, so this just caught my eye as I was busy killing the three hours between my classes, and trying to put off a much-anticipated showdown with the accounts receivable department of the particular institution I attend. It seems especially fitting since my first soccer game of the new fall season is tonight at 6:30.
(I'd ask you to wish me luck, but we're playing a team from the Pharmacy School. We being a contingent known as IFC, or Internationale Football Club, made up of members from Argentina, Colombia, Mexico, El Salvador, Spain, Latvia, Nigeria, Iraq, Italy, and the United States, as well as some others which I'm sure I've forgotten. As I said, the team we are playing is from the Pharmacy School. If you're going to wish luck, I ask in all sincerity that you send it their way, for we will fall upon them like starving barbarians on a wayward pack of mostly injured gazelle. But I digress.)
I am, as I said, looking to kill some time, and I happened on this story. It appears that Chavdar Yankow, who plays professionally in Europe, was tackled during a game. No biggie. Except the tackle happened to rip his penis open. Opened a 3-inch gash. 3 INCHES!!! Now, I believe that the average penis size for men is 6 inches, roughly twice the length of said gash. I would, at this moment, like everyone to perform an exercise in order to more fully understand the gravity of the situation.
Those of you among my readers who happen to be male, I would like you to drop your pants, and any underwear you may be wearing, and look at your penis. As I am assuming that everyone is average, I would now like you to imagine it ripped open for half of its length, starting at either the base or the tip, I'm really not picky, as either way should be rather excruciating for you to even think about. For my readers who happen to be female, I'd like you to journey to your local penis and then attempt the exercise exactly as I have delineated it above.
For those of you females unsure of how to approach a penis to request what may seem to be an "odd" experiment, I suggest you take the following action: Approach the owner of the penis and say "I want to see your penis." Ali Baba could not find a better magic phrase.
Now that we've all become acquainted with the true gravity of the situation, I would like to further mention that said soccer player who got his penis ripped open promptly proceeded to get himself stitched up. He then returned to the field, where he scored (the only scoring he'll do for awhile) for his side in a 2-0 victory. This just brought to my mind the wrongly held stereotype that soccer is a safe and courteous sport (hooliganism notwithstanding). To proponents of this theory, I hold up this story as a bright and shining middle finger of truth. And I suggest a new marketing slogan for American soccer, one that is sure to rile up public support amongst a nation of fans that flock to the much-padded violence of American football:
"Soccer: You can rip our penis open, but we still manage to score."
Amen.
I know you're not accusing me of such, but still I want to throw that in there for anyone who might.
