The WORST review ever

I was in the beta and gamma programs for Galactic Civ 2. I love the game and really care about it and the community around it. That is why it upsets me when I see a very poor quality review. Today while surfing GameRankings I came across a site I hadn't heard of called StrategyInformer. On it was the worst quality review I have ever seen. They gave the game a 4 out of 5 but it was arbitrary and idiotic.

For kicks and giggles I'm going to "fisk" the review. That is the process of dissecting an essay or article paragraph by paragraph to answer. Who reviews the reviewers?

One day, a wild and crazy game developer went and had an extremely hard night out, imbibed some interesting substances and thought hey, turn based strategy games kind of suck. Maybe we could make one that isn't dull and second rate, but has like, 3D graphics, and cool sound effects and stuff.
 

Oh the wit. Oh my.

The universe could be yours...
Choose your enemy...

They then came into the office and spiked the iced tea, taking advantage of the hallucinogenic effects to push the idea through a committee meeting, incidentally one of the better committee meetings the company ever had, one where the minutes were taken by being scrawled on the wall, and the rest is history.
 

Are we almost ready to talk about the, you know, game yet?

We must all give thanks to that unsung hero, as we install this copy of Galactic Civilizations II, and enjoy what strategy gaming can really be about. Galactic Civilizations is a game that has its roots in the early 90's, and it has really come a long way indeed with this latest release.
 

Really? The original must have been a real stinker then eh? Oh, no, wait it's one of the most beloved strategy games of all time by enthusiasts.

This may shock some old schoolers who are not really comfortable with a strategy game unless it looks like Bill Gates designed it in his garage. Let me say a few words to you now. Yes, I know you're used to oddly designed icons, and things that don't really make sense, such as a little blue box representing a MK6 Halfian Warrpdrive Equipped Space Cruiser. I know it may be hard to accept that you can have a "real" strategy game and still have it look good. I know. It's going to be alright. You'll see.

It's an exciting world that Stardock brings us, and really its enough to make you drool all over your special gaming keyboard. To make up for the lack of two dimensional graphics and confusing multitudes of barely relevant information, you have the ability to design your ships from the ground up, and your own races too, if you're feeling xenophobically inclined towards the 10 featured already.
 

We're now more than half way through the review. No information has been given yet. We can tell that the graphics are 3D from the screenshots.

Don't let the prettiness fool you either, this game is no bimbo and will kick your ass with it's AI capabilities if you're not paying attention. That's because this is not all about killing things and forcing submission.

But apparently not worthy of a 10. If Galactic Civ's AI isn't worthy of a 10, what game's is?

You begin the game by choosing your civilization, and fiddling with the settings until race, world size, alliances and other factors are all in order. You are then given a couple of ships with which to explore and colonize the universe. You then get to race about, colonizing planets and building things on them, currying favor with the locals or crushing them with an iron fist as the mood takes you. Quite a lot goes into colonizing a planet. It's not just land, plant a flag and leave, you have to research the planet, and build things there for the citizenry to make use of. You really have to tease out its resources and make it love you before you move on, lest you find that your adoring peoples are rebelling against you, tearing down your statues and generally going with the other guy. The more planets you have however, the more influence you have in the galaxy, which is good as it enables you to vote for certain measures which may or may not be beneficial to yourself.
 

This is it? This is the game info?

There are some quite detailed and even technical aspects to master in the playing of this game, choosing what structures will best serve your empire, figuring out what spaceship design is really going to be the best for you, trying to ascertain the best method for keeping people loyal (bribe 'em or kill 'em, I say).

In order to win this game, you need to fulfill the victory conditions that were stated before you began the game. You can tweak this setting too, and choose the conditions of your victory, or have them assigned. Some of the ways that you can win this game include simply conquering everyone and being the last surviving civilization, being allied with all the players in the galaxy, or outwitting them with your technology.

"to win you need to fulfill the victory conditions" Wow that's informative.

Probably the biggest and strangest omission from the title is a multiplayer capacity. Perhaps the universe may implode if too many people were to all play this game at once, or maybe the collection of shared brain power would cause a vortex in the space time continuum and send us all hurtling back into the dark ages. Whatever reason they have for not implementing this rather standard feature, I'm sure it's a good one.
 

The biggest and strangest? How many turn based strategy games come with multiplayer? Civ 3 didn't. Didn't hurt it.

To conclude, dear friends, this is a rather decent game. There are better out there, however this is solid, and if it's up your alley then you will most likely enjoy it. The graphics and audio are nice, albeit not right up to the minute, though I always give kudos to strategy games that go 3D, it makes me feel like humanity is advancing after all.
 

There are better out there? Okay. Can you share those better games so I can go get them? Or do you mean like Star Wars: Empire at War which you gave an 8.7? That kind of better?  Because now I think it's obvious who has been drinking the spiked iced tea.

Original is here: http://www.strategyinformer.com/pc/galacticcivilizationsiidreadlords/review.html

How could a review of this poor quality get published? Forget the cruddy rating, the text itself is content free. Utter rubbish.