I changed my mind after recovering from the food poisoning.

A farmer got pulled over by a cop for speeding

and the cop started to lecture the farmer

about his speed and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the cop got around to writing out the ticket and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The cop stopped writing the ticket and said

"Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms.

See, they're called circle flies because

they're almost always found circling around a horses a r s e."

The cop says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says,

"Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me an a r s e?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer.

I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses a r s e."

The cop says "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says,

" Hard to fool them circle flies though. "

I changed my mind after recovering from the food poisoning.

I changed my mind after recovering from the food poisoning.

“Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”

-----‐---------‐-----------------

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

lol@ Seth

LOL@Seth!

Yeah, LOL@Seth.

A new years message:

Screwed, glued and tattooed.

Get a hobby before it is to late.

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,
Mom.

Every time you think to call your girl friend and are about to call, the phone rings and it is your girl friend calling you.

During the call she complains that you never call her. 

Define man:

An accessory like a purse or a hat.

It's past midnight pumpkin.

When you get mad, take a deep breath and count to ten. Throw a punch at eight. No-one ever expect that.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted my baby and me!”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Don't worry, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

On a clear day I can see things 100 miles away, on a clear night I can see things 6 quadrillion miles away.

An old man was kneeling at a headstone and was weeping, "Why did you have to die? My life has been hell every day. Sometimes I want to end it all!".

A young guy stopped and asked the old man, "Who died, gramps?"

"My wife's first husband."