Proper Weapons Inspector Etiquette
FROM: UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY-GENERAL
TO: WEAPONS INSPECTORS
RE: IRAQ -- PROCEDURES AND ETIQUETTE
Congratulations on being selected as a UN weapons inspector.
You are about to embark on an exciting and highly dangerous
adventure! Please be aware that Iraqi customs and folkways may be
very different from what you are used to at home, and that at this
point the slightest faux-pas will start a war.
Bon Voyage,
Kofi Annan
MEETING YOUR HOST:
Your Iraqi hosts are from a different religious background. Like you,
they do not like to feel proselytized. Avoid religiously-charged
greetings and expressions whenever possible. Such expressions
include:
~ "Merry Christmas!"
~ "For Pete's Sake!"
~ "May Jesus Christ Have Mercy on Your Heathen Soul!"
When introduced to your host's veiled wife, it is inappropriate to:
~ Ask if she's all "Phantom of the Opera" under there,
~ Remark upon the presence of "junk in the trunk,"
~ Sensuously peel back her garments and check for illegal weapons.
~
When your host invites you to play pool, refrain from saying:
"Why don't Iraq and you break?"
~
Also, be aware that your visit will take place during the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan. Once again: Ramadan has absolutely
no connection to the popular chain of mid-priced hotels.
LOOKING FOR STUFF:
Be aware that your Iraqi hosts may have attempted to conceal
biological, chemical or nuclear weapons. Try some of these
common hiding places first:
~ Kitchen cupboards
~ Rotating bookcases
~ Innocuous-looking steel drums labeled "Circus Peanuts"
~ Wall safes obscured by oil portraits of Saddam Hussein
~ Behind Iraqi soldiers who are whistling casually and rolling
their eyes in a pantomime of innocence
Should you find what you believe to be a chemical, biological
or nuclear agent, do the following:
Step 1: Dip index finger in suspected agent.
Step 2: Place index finger on tip of tongue.
Step 3: Gruffly exclaim, "It's pure."
Step 4: See a doctor immediately.
FINDING STUFF YOU WEREN'T EVEN LOOKING FOR
IN THE FIRST PLACE:
In the course of your search, you may unwittingly uncover
Osama bin Laden. If so, do not panic. Send a S.A.S.E. to:
"I Found Osama"
Central Intelligence Agency
Washington, DC 20559
Or log onto www.ifoundosama.com
Then stall him with small talk until the arrival of U.S. Special Forces
or Hellfire missiles.
ENCOUNTERING SADDAM HUSSEIN:
It has been widely reported that Saddam Hussein often employs
doubles who stand in for him during public appearances. Only
intense scrutiny will ultimately confirm whether you are talking
to Saddam Hussein or Cheech Marin.
ENCOUNTERING RESISTANCE:
The UN resolution accepted by Saddam grants you, as
a representative of the UN, total access to any site in Iraq.
Nonetheless, you may still encounter resistance. If so, you may
employ the following Security Council-approved methods
of entrance:
~ Flash your laminated '02 Weapons Inspection Iraqi World Tour All-Access Pass.
~ Pretend to be a film crew from "MTV Cribs"
~ Slip the guard a Saddam Hussein (50-dinar note). If that doesn't
work, try slipping him a Saddam Hussein (1000-dinar note).
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