Lack of Empathy

Unempathetic people try to say the "right thing" without regard to how it will be recieved. Experience can help you acquire empathy but it certainly doesn't guarantee it. True compassion requires empathy. I hear and see a lot of people who claim to be tolerant and compassionate. Their lack of empathy usually exposes the truth.

Several things I've heard and read this past week have led me to believe that there are a lot more unempathetic people out there than I used to imagine. I guess because I've always had it (or so I've been told for years by friends and relatives), I have just presumed it was *normal*, if you will.

*shrug* I think it's really all to do with a person's experiences. I've been pretty empathetic as long as I can remember; whereas half my friends are about as empathetic at a dead goat. I always felt this was a result of childhood experiences and such. Whether that's right, I'll probably never know. Though I can definitely see how someone can "become" empathetic after a tragic event of massive proportions (such as a miscarriage). I really don't know though, this is all just speculation.

And, in an unrelated comment, JoeUser really dislikes putting line-breaks in my messages anymore.

True compassion requires empathy. I hear and see a lot of people who claim to be tolerant and compassionate. Their lack of empathy usually exposes the truth.

Very, very true.  I've seen the same thing as Teresa this week....a lot of people who claimed to be compassionate and empathetic, but who showed their true colors this week.

I try to have empathy.  Some times it comes easily, other times it's something I have to work at. 

i think you may be confusing sympathy or sensitivity, with empathy. sympathy, awareness and sensitivity are a subset of empathy but empathy connotes being able to 'share' or experience another's condition as if it one were experiencing the situation oneself.

awareness doesnt require internalization in that you can be aware that someone is in pain...neither does sensitivity since you can be sensitive to that pain (not wish to excaberate it)... nor does sympathy require more than awareness in order to feell sorry the person is in pain). all three are possibly witthout necessarily being able to feel the pain as you would if you were truly empathizing .

the distinction may seem overly fine but it is very important in at least one respect. sociopaths are generally considered to be devoid of empathy. that inability to experience the feelings of others as if they were oneself is (in my opinion) a genetic flaw that is compensated for by miming or emulating sensitivity, awareness and sympathy. its also the reason why sociopaths are able to do the awful things associated with that condition.

sorry for the typos. i dont usually see them til ive posted and for some reason im no longer able to edit a post in many blogs.

Its also why sociopaths arent readily identifiable as such, they appear to all as "that nice, quiet fellow next door." No one knows until they start digging the bodies up out of the backyard, because sociopaths are able to fake empathy quite convincingly.

very true about the faking. not necessarily quiet tho. sociopaths are often the life of the party in my experience. i believe they are aware of their inability to experience the same things as others from an early age and begin compensating for it soon after. some are so successful, they may forget after a while they are really acting. eventually, the temptation or need to satisfy themselves at the expense of someone else prevails and they step out of the persona and suddenly you realize the friend or lover you think you know so well has broken your heart, ripped off everything you own etc. you really only knew the persona.

I think it has a lot to do with understanding. For many people, they don't really understand a situation unless they have experienced something similar.

I know that I never had empathy for people with depression before I experienced it firt hand. I just didn't truly understand the nature of the thing.

This may be true for a lot of people, for others it may be simple selfishness.

I think empathy is the basis for The Golden Rule, and The Golden Rule is as close as we've come to a universal law on human conduct. If you can't put yourself in the other guy's shoes and ask "how would I like it if he did that to me?, then it's difficult to do unto others as you'd have them do unto you.

sometime during the past year, i read a review of a book in which the author proposed that original sin is the selfishness that prevents all humans from being perfectly empathetic

think you may be confusing sympathy or sensitivity, with empathy

No, I really don't think I am.  Like LW said, you can be empathetic and choose not to be sympathetic.  You can be sensitive and realize that you should treat a matter with delicacy without truly being empathetic.

As for original sin, I don't believe in it in any way shape or form.  I don't think you can say anything at all that emcompasses "all humans" as far as psyche is concerned.

Don't know why I can't edit it but I meant to write "encompasses" not with an m.

You can be sensitive and realize that you should treat a matter with delicacy without truly being empathetic.

exactly my point. but this is what you orignally said Unempathetic people try to say the "right thing" without regard to how it will be recieved

im having the same problem with the editing function

You are only reiterating my point.  You can be sensitive and try to say the "right thing" and not be empathetic.  How am I confusing empathy with anything else?

the statement in your article is: Unempathetic people try to say the "right thing" without regard to how will be received.

without regard to how it will be received = not sensitive

that contradicts your response in which you said it was possible to be sensitive altho not empathetic (which i agree with)

like i said, sympathy and sensitivity are a subset of empathy in that either or both do not add up to empathy .

Kingbee, I think you are missing my point with symantics.  I see what you are saying about sympathy and sensitivity.  When I say that a sensitive person tries to say the right thing, I mean it is a person that means well and it truly trying to say something that will help.  The regard to how it will be received part is where empathy comes in.  If you are unempathetic, you can't put yourself in that person's shoes in order to see how such a thing will be received.

I'm hypersensitive and empathic when dealing with others. I can be overwhelmed by it

Ditto.

Unempathetic people try to say the "right thing" without regard to how it will be recieved.

I would try to say the right thing, only I feel like nothing I could possibly say would be right. So instead of doing or saying anything I end up doing/saying nothing. Classic avoidance. I need to learn how to temper empathy with sympathy.

Good article. Thought-provoking.

Helix the II, if you would have said "this too shall pass" to me during either of my miscarriages or since, I would not appreciate it and if you were truly empathetic to the situation, you wouldn't say it because you obviously do not have direct understanding of that particular situation.  I know many women who have had miscarriages (thanks to me being open about mine) and we talked in depth about this very issue.  Miscarriage is something that screws you up physically, emotionally and hormonally.  There isn't a lot that you can say other than "I am so sorry you are going through this" that will be constructive.

I remember when my paternal grandmother died, my maternal grandmother wiped the tears from my face and said "Stop your crying.  It isn't the end of the world."  Even at 6yrs old I thought "I doubt she would want someone to say that to me if it was she who had died."  I knew it wasn't the end of the world but it certainly was the end of part of my world.  I love my grandma but she isn't an empathetic woman.

I do agree that compassion is a good description of what is lacking.  My subtitle though, and what I was wondering about, gave question to why some people seem to have innate empathy, some can acquire it and others just never get it.

Great comment though.

xtine, you can never go wrong with simply saying "I feel so badly about what you are going through.  Please know that I am here when you need me."  If you have experienced the same thing as the person, it might be comforting to share your experience.  If you haven't, just tell that person you can't imagine what they are going through but that you feel for them.  It is condescending and angering when people try to tell you how you should feel or react when they hadn't experienced what you are experiencing.

Good points LW.  I agree that there is a time, place and decorum for sharing experiences.  That is why I didn't offer it as a first suggestion.

I don't blame you for being emotional about the loss of your brother.  I don't know how you can ever get over something like that.  Just the thought of losing my sister has had me in tears at night some times.  My grandpa who I grew up with next door all my life passed away almost ten years ago and I still get emotionaly thinking about him when things are quiet.  Losing a grandfather can't possibly be anywhere near as devestating as a sibling (assuming you had a good relationship with the sibling as it sounds like you most certainly did).

You made wonderful suggestions about how people can help out.  I took meals to a neighbor friend when her dad had a stroke and she said it was the best thing I could have done.  I also helped out with the kids as much as I could.  People always try to think big and end up doing nothing because they can't meet up to their own expectations.  Like you said, it is little things like meals, logging gifts are cards, maybe cleaning the house or making phone calls that really mean the most and add up in a hurry.

Thanks for the great input.

Those with the insane logic just can't seem to grasp the concept of feelings. Or, atleast..grasp the concept that OTHER PEOPLE have feelings. Maybe their parents didn't teach them it..

I think you touched on a couple of important ideas there.

1) Some people try to put everything into a logically box when some things just can't be explained with logic.

2) Parents play a huge role in developing emapthy in their children.  Some parents never give their kids the "How would you feel if someone did that to you" speech.  Another parenting lesson that comes to mind that is currently very frowned upon is showing a child the error of their ways by demonstration.  Example: Child bites another child, parent bites the biter.  Works well with hair pulling too

Good input.

We will have to agree to disagree on the subject of saying "This too shall pass".  I don't see that as an empathetic thing to say but that is just my opinion.

Well, I can only go by my experiences and opinions and those of friends I have talked to.  I will again use the miscarriage example.  When I had my first miscarriage, I didn't feel it was the end of the world.  I did however feel vulnerable and emotionally/hormonally out of whack.  Telling me "this too shall pass" is logical, but like we talked about previously, this wasn't a time for logic.  I was well aware of everything that happened and that I could survive it.  I just needed people to be kind, supportive and patient with me while I was getting my hormones and emotions back in check.

Sometimes it isn't constructive to try to be constructive.  Sometimes the empathetic thing to do is just "feel" for the person.