Resisting Yet Embracing Change

The Paradox of My Life

from JoeUser Forums
I'm terrified. I'm terrified of growing up. This baffles me because I like to think I was forced to grow up a little too fast due to my environment. Now, I'm not so sure. I wonder if anyone is as scared as I am to officially be on my own.

I really won't be, I know. I have a wonderful sister who will be there along the way. But, it will soon be time for me to graduate, to find an actual job to help pay bills, to finally get a car of my own (I know, I know, I'm a loser, but hey, my family is dirt poor), to go to college, to make new friends. College is supposed to be a growing experience, and that's supposed to be exciting, but I'm not feeling very excited. Wait, scratch that. I'm extremely excited, but the feelings of anxiety have beaten the excitement to a bloody pulp.

It really should be nothing new for me---college that is. I switched schools, mastered the art of making people fall in love with a concept of who I am, and even learned how to play the different games in every school, because every school is different you know. I would think college would just be another place, another game for me to master.

I like to think of myself as spontaneous, and I am to an extent. But I'd be way too frightened to do any of the crazy things that are going through my head. I'm not going to state these because of certain people reading my blogs, but I will say that going to a small college here in Fort Worth is not what I wanted to do. Being attached to my sisters hip---I never would have dreamed of. The thing is, I'm just a big chicken. Carpe Diem right?

I guess all the the things I've lost, all the people I've lost, have had a double effect on me---the two effects being polar opposites. It's made me realize what is important in life, and you can go on living even when you think it's the end. But, it's also made me a pack rat---of things and people. I can't even let go of my crappy friends who live a million miles away. It's just so hard to loosen my grip.

So here I am, just turned 18 in Nov., fixing to graduate in May. What then? Everything I've known since the age of 5 will be gone. Everything I've learned in school really doesn't help me with what's to come. I think that what I'm most afraid of is BEING a "new-age nomad". Will I be able to stick it out in college? Will I roam around America or even other countries searching...always searching...for somewhere I belong? That life, although exciting, gets exhausting, but I can't escape the feelings of wanderlust.

I've always been the perfect child in my family---the one with perfect grades, bubbly attitude, outgoing, and no drugs or sex. That's about as perfect as you can get in most people's eyes. Perfection is so relative it makes me laugh. Anywho, I question myself a lot, my motives that is. Am I pushed to be a better person because I fear being like my family, or I am motivated because I just should be? If it is the first, shoot me now.

I'm just so sick of going along with the plan, I want to blow everyone off---even those who love me---and just run. Far....

Trinitie
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27,466 views 40 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
so you're playing a game, and feel like you're one of the only ones that's playing by the rules...
and you just want to quit playing. You're tired of the game. You almost want to break one of the rules just to see what will happen if you do. (you've been following them SO long)

so do it. Run...

but know what's going to happen if you do. Know that even if you run, A.) the problems will just follow you, and B.) you'll eventually end up right back where you are now. You've no doubt experienced both of the above in the past.

I would venture to say that your life is not as much of a game as you think. Sure that's the way you feel now, and you're entitled to feel that way, but I assure you that your feelings will change in time.

Personally, when I don't feel like 'playing the game' anymore, I just put on my boots, and start putting one foot in front of the other until I find myself walking again... it takes a whole lot of effort sometimes, but I regret inaction much more than I've ever regretted action.

"The Game" ain't so bad Trin... above all else, please remember that if life really is a 'game' to you, then please remember that there are no winners or losers...
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
MJ - I dont think Trin is running from anything. Its the only life she knows and she is afraid to settle down, because its a whole different world...

No matter what you do Trin, you will enlighten the lives of those around you i am sure... maybe that is where you do fit in? as a bringer of joy and hapiness to any place you go - whether it be 5 or 50?

Its important you follow you heart in circumstances like this, because your heart will tell you where you fit in, and if you dont know the answer to that yet, you must still search for it, you must never settle for second best as far as desires go - you only hurt youself and those around you.

I wish you luck on your journey - i dont know what tells me this, but i know you will fit in some place just fine ;)

BAM!!!
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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
I must say, I'm leaning toward Muggaz comment a little more than yourz, Imajinit. It less judgmental and psychy-like. Why do psychs---or wanna-be psychs---think all people are the same? You don't know! You don't know that this will change. You just don't know, and when you say stuff like that, I just wanna kick you in the shin.

Muggaz, why are you so sweet to me? That was the one of the most wonderful comments I've ever read. I just don't know what I've done to deserve such praise.

In any case, I love you man. I love you too Imajinit.

Trinitie
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
Trinitie,
I don't have any words of advice, and I don't think you need them from me, either... what I did want to say is, even though our lives are extremely different from each others, we certainly are in line on this one. Thanks for suggesting this article to read.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
come on baby... kick me in the shin
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
I love you, Trin. You already know what my comment would be, so I won't even bother:)

~Dan
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
It's a heavy burden being perfect, just be you. When you've gotten on your own two feet, then move out of Fort Worth. There is a big world out there and you might find some place better for you.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't think the feelings you are describing are all that unique. Sure, the actual events in your life are all yours, but the feelings are really quite common to a lot of people. I remember having some of the same fears even though our circumstances are quite different. Face your fears and meet life with a smile, if you get knocked down just get up and try again. The only other option is to hide from life and that just doesn't sound appealing at all.

Good luck. I'm sure you can do it.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Trin, I dont do sweet... its not my style...

It's just how i see things from the person i see on my screen... I know so much about you. The truth is everyone is looking for somewhere to fit in, and as my friend, i just want to help make that troublesome task a little easier... I really didn't say that much at all, i just suspect i pointed out what you were allready thinking.

BAM!!!
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
Design Guy,

I know these feelings are not at all unique. Did I say they were? I don't think so. Just because I have a common emotion doesn't mean I can't put it out there, does it?

Trinitie
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
Why do psychs---or wanna-be psychs---think all people are the same? You don't know


I know these feelings are not at all unique. Did I say they were? I don't think so.


Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
haha, you think you have a point, but you really don't.

Yes, a feeling is rarely felt that someone else has not experienced, but how we deal with things is always inventive. There's no, "Oh, she feels this way, and it's gonna end like this because this." That's bull-----lony!

Trinitie
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
I have no wish to get into a pissing contest with you Trin... i'm sure that you can piss farther than me, and it'll just end up smelling like urine...

Link

here be a link to Erik Erikson's theories of development... if ya care at all to understand where we 'wannabe psych people' are coming from...

just a thought
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
Trinitie-

I don't come from the same backround as you, but I have had the same feelings. When I graduated High school, that is what I did. I pretty much ran away. I moved 200 miles away and started on my own. It was not that I didn't love my friends or family (Im sure you do) but I needed to find out who I was without all of them. I think it was the best thing I could have done at that time. I know it is not for everyone, but it was right for me. I feel although that was a struggle at times, starting college and a new life was stressful, I felt I could finally be myself. I am sure whatever you decide it will work. You seem like a really strong person that can do whatever you set you mind to.

Joey
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thank you Joey.

Trinitie
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
You probably know this already, but I just thought I'd share it anyway. When you feel that everything in your life is changing and it's hard, just remember the one who doesn't change. (Malachi 3:6) He's the same loving, caring, guiding God He always was and will be.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

"Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right ha nd will hold me fast." ~Psalm 139:8-10. Read all of Ps. 139 for more inspiration! :o)

You're a very special person and just remember that God uses the hard, changing times to draw you closer to Him and to remind you that He really is unchanging.

--Sarah
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
What wonderful verses Sarah! Dan was just saying the other night that when scripture becomes relevent, it turns into poetry. For me, that was pure poetry.

Trinitie
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
Does anybody know where "life thine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my strength" comes from? I love that verse but I've never been able to find it...

~Dan
Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
Dan, is this what you're looking for? Sorry, I have NIV...

"I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of the heaven and earth..."
Psalm 121

☼Sarah
Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top
I really enjoyed this article because I think you have articulated beautifully the ambivilance that many of us feel about going from one season of life to the next--especially that which launches us into "adulthood" I know lots of folks who have been in that season a long time and are still wondering what they will do when they "grow up" --including me sometimes.

Something I have come to realize is that there is no "arrival" in life, but there can be joy in the journey, and good scenery along the way. You are on your path Trinitie, and you know the One who directs it, I'd say you are ahead of the game.

joa
Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top
I love that you are kind to me, joa, even when I'm a rebellious, scatter-brained teenager. Your encouragement really does help.

Trinitie
Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't think that's it, but it might be it.

~Dan
Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top
what's it? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Trinitie
Reply #24 from JoeUser Forums Top
even when I'm a rebellious, scatter-brained teenager


HAHAHAHAHA... rebellious... please Trin.... i cannot fathom that at all.

BAM!!!
Reply #25 from JoeUser Forums Top
Muggaz, as I've said in the past, my definitions of words are far from others definitions. Most people think "rebellious"=doing all that stuff your parents told you not to, not to mention what the preacher told you not to.

The difference with me is, I never had any rules. All I had was my parents behavior to follow, so that's what I rebelled against. I've actually been in fights with my dad because I won't get drunk/high with him.

Then there's the church folks. Oh, the battles I've been in.....on cursing mostly. I still hold true to my opinon that there's nothing wrong with it to an extent, but you'd have to hear my whole philosophy on it. Then, there's the way I dress, not your normal Christian.

I'd say, I'm rebellious against the norm, rebellious against society, but mostly, rebellious against any and all authority because the first authority I ever knew turned out to be supremely flawed and I learned long ago that I know better than anyone who thinks they need to tell me what to do. You see? Doesn't that sound like something a rebellious teen would say?

So, when you say, "I can't fathom that", I laugh at you. HAHAHHAAHHAH! If you knew me, you wouldn't say that at all.

Trinitie