Sugar High Elf

Join Date 10/2004

Why would you say that?

was she just trying to be mean and hateful?

I was sitting with a group of friends (all girls) and we were talking about things that had happened to us in the past. One girl admitted to being raped by her ex boyfriend. This was a very sensitive subject -- one that requires tact and, preferably, sympathy. She told her story, and we listened respectfully and then told her how sorry we were that this had happened.

At least, most of us. One girl, one lacking tact, said, "Did you report it?" "No." the first girl answered. "I was too ashamed. I felt guilty. I didn't feel like I could tell anyone." That's understandable. It would have been better had she reported it, and she might even feel better now, but the damage is done, and it is too late. Except, Jerk Girl wouldn't drop it. "Don't you worry that he could be doing the same thing to other girls right now because you didn't stop him?"

That floored me. This girl is admitting to being raped. She's told us how it happened, and given reasons for not telling anyone. They aren't perfect reasons, but (as far as I'm concerned) perfectly reasonable ones. She was young, scared and ashamed. Yet here, now, when she's finally able to face what happened to her, she gets attacked yet again.

Psychologists say that rape victims can suffer from PTS syndrome. They can relive the rape at any time. I have no doubt that this young lady had relived her rape, even as she told it to us. Yet here she was, being attacked all over again.

I couldn't believe it. I understand that it sucks that justice was not done. I'm sure she'd like to see his ass in prison as well. However, statute of limitations has run out, and she realizes that her case would be nearly impossible to try and impossible to win. Her word against his? She didn't scream, she didn't fight. She said no, and that's all that matters. Yet, here's someone else making her feel guilty for what happened!

Is this common? Do other people make the victims feel like they're responsible? Do other people attempt to guilt them into action? Do other people make them feel worse when they're actions don't result in a punishment? Is she responsible for any future rapes he commits? Should she feel guilty for not 'putting him away' because she was too ashamed and scared to admit what had happened? She didn't tell anyone for over five years... surely that says something about her ability to face what had happened to her.

I was surprised at this person's reaction to another person's story. It felt wrong, but I wonder if she had a point that others would understand. So, I figured I'd take a poll of JU and see if anyone can explain it to me.

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The girl was insensitive, sure, but I feel the question was legitimate.

I agree.

I am the kind of person who doesn't talk about things in a "group" until I am ok with them in my head/heart. So if I were in this situation I would think the girl had it all worked out and could talk about it with some objectivity.

And frankly, this is gonna sound really crass, but do you have any idea how many rape stories I heard in college from girls, then later found out it was all a lie? It gets a little hard to stomach when they say they were raped but didn't take any action for whatever reason.

I understand women are raped and don't report it. But I am suspicious of any woman who opens the subject up in a group and is offended when someone questions her.

I think you are really sweet to want to defend her though.....maybe the real question the girl was asking is...."Are you sure this is true?"

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Oh and one other thing...Victims aren't responsible for being raped.

They ARE responsible for how they handle/report it afterward. I am not saying the decision is easy, but its still their decision thus they are responsible for the consequences of it.

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I dont see it as mean or spiteful. At worse, just not knowing what to say, and of course at best being genuinely concerned not only for the girl, but for other girls as well.

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I also agree that it was a legitimate question and valid point. Rapists don't stop until they are locked up. But then, I'm a guy and may have a different view.

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Is this common? Yes. Do other people make the victims feel like they're responsible? Yes, especially attorneys, and people that are manipulative, for whatever reason. Do other people attempt to guilt them into action? Yep, whether the other person is a manipulator, a control freak, this person has an agenda. Do other people make them feel worse when they're actions don't result in a punishment? If their actions don't result in a punishment, it's still the perpetrators "bag of doodoo", not the victim's and to try to make a victiom feel worse is cruelty that indicates a truly ill person. Is she responsible for any future rapes he commits? again, the responsibilty for the perpetrators actions are his responsibilty, she's not making him/ her choose to rape. Should she feel guilty for not 'putting him away' because she was too ashamed and scared to admit what had happened? No, why should she? Why should she feel guilty for feeling the way she did? She was a victim of his sickness and her feelings are quite normal for what happened. In fact they're textbook. She didn't tell anyone for over five years... surely that says something about her ability to face what had happened to her.
Once again, her not telling anyone for over 5 years is typical of a rape victim's feeling of fear that he'll come back, fear he'll hurt her worse if she tells, feelings of shame, feelings of being "soiled" or dirty, feelings and thoughts that maybe she did something wrong, which is what lawyers know and use against the victim in court. That's another reason victims "don't tell". They're afraid that they'll have to face him in court and be victimized all over again.

What her "not telling for five years" says is that she was deeply traumatized, and is finally feeling safe enough to be able to talk, a really hard thing to do, for the shame is unbelievabley painful.

Your "other friend" is worse than a jerk, she's devoid of sensitivity, lacks empathy or tenderness for her own gender, hasn't a clue about what rape is all about. How it affects the victim.

Had she offered to "be there" for the victim, offered to go to the courthouse with her, offered a phone number if the victim needed a friend to listen, why then she'd be top shelf. As it is, she's a real piece of work.

Most of us, even if we think the victim needs to come forward, are sensitive to the victim's pain and don't attack her verbally. I'm glad I don't know your friend.

P.S. Wonderful article Sugar Elf

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The girl was insensitive, sure, but I feel the question was legitimate. As difficult as it is to go through a rape trial, far too many women refuse to subject themselves to the ordeal, which of course, allows the rapist to carry on and create more victims.

Too true. RAINN statistics say that about 55% of all rapes go unreported. Our director for the center of abused women said that, out of the reported cases, only 1/10 will go to trial, and only 1/3 of those will result in jail time. Those are not good odds.

I think you are really sweet to want to defend her though.....maybe the real question the girl was asking is...."Are you sure this is true?"

I'm pretty sure this is true. She told her story to help another girl free herself of a controlling relationship. She wasn't looking for pity, she was trying to help someone else -- show her example and hope others can learn from it. I think she feels guilty that she didn't "lock him up" and is trying to make up for that by helping the girls she can see and talk to by telling her story. This hasn't been easy for her, but she feels like she has to do it.

There was a tone of voice that cannot be relayed here. Encouraging the victim to report it, and encouraging her to do so would have been fine. I'm even fine with gently suggesting that the victim would be able to help other females by having this guy locked up. No problem with that at all. I called this person "Jerk Girl" because she went into attack mode on the victim.

Looking back though, there may have been any number of reasons "Jerk Girl" reacted in such a manner. Maybe she was raped once, or maybe she had a close friend or family member that was raped. Maybe she was angry because of some other situation that might have been prevented if another person had stepped forward. That doesn't excuse the tone she used or how she approached the matter... but it may explain it. I was too surprised at her tone and line of questioning to think about that before.

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You have true empathy, SHE, and you really nailed it here. The more I read you, the more I like you, and that's the truth.

Thanks. That actually means a lot to me.

I also agree with what you said. She didn't report him at first because she felt it was her fault -- she was responsible. In a way, I'm glad she isn't just blaming other people for what happened. By taking responsibility, she takes control over what will happen to her in the future. That kind of thinking wouldn't work for everyone. In fact, it probably wouldn't work for most people. For her, however, it works. She knows how she got into that situation, and she knows how to avoid it in the future.

But, she also didn't tell anyone because she was ashamed. She felt the stigma. What sucks is the guy probably bragged about it, or felt no shame at all. (Can't prove that, of course. Just my imagination.)

maybe a quick search on the statute of limitations for the state where the rape occurred, and making sure you friend was aware of the various resources available to assist her, should she decide to pursue it at this late date.

Unfortunately, after six years with no DNA, she has no recourse. With DNA, she would have had 15 years. She just missed the mark. But, like she said, even after a week, with no DNA, she would have had little to no chance. "If I had just screamed." she said... I don't know how many times. There were people awake in the house. They were in the back yard. No one would believe that he could rape her in near public without screaming. People would have thought that she was making it up, or that she had had sex with him and was crying rape now because she felt guilty. You're right, the lawyers would have ripped her to shreds.

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It would be impossible in a stranger-rape situation...

Definitely. She was raped by her controlling boyfriend, which makes her case very different. She's taking control by never dating another jerk like that. Won't protect her from other kinds of rape, of course. But it makes her feel a little better. But, again, this may be a one-shot kind of deal.

Odd, that even after all these years I am reluctant to do so.

But maybe not so odd after all.

Trust me, it's not odd at all.

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