cactoblasta

Join Date 04/2004

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Lies, Conspiracies and a slice of lemony goodness

A defence of the compulsive liar and embellisher of truths

As a student at a mildly vaunted Australian university I am constantly told that I should spend more time researching. My lecturers generally making a point of crossing out every sweeping generalisation I make and, using that barely legible scrawl that passes for handwriting in academia, writing, "You can't say this in an academic essay!" next to it in red pen and then underlined, presumably for added effect.

Personally I picture them shaking a fist at the paper as they do this, their pipe shifting furiously from one side of the mouth to the other as they quiver with genteel indignance. But as my exes have told me, I have an excessively overactive imagination and not one well-suited to the fast-paced cut and thrust of honest dealin's and true answers to questions like, "what were you doing with her?" I also prefer to think every non-verbal communication involves some element of fist-shaking. It's a character flaw but life seems so much more real when it's exaggerated.

Anyway that neatly segues into what could loosely be called my point.

The truth is a horrible thing. White lies make baby Jesus smile.

I think those sentence say it all, but just in case, I'll say a few more things. They're numbered because I'm barely coherent as it is and this is a stream of consciousness post.

1. There is something intrinsically cruel about honesty. Sure, it's refreshing, but its bluntness robs all the fun out of suspense. How are you supposed to play who-dunnit/who-dunner/im if someone is so obnoxious as to actually tell you? You may as forget how to spell and start burning 'wytches' if you're going to be that puritan.

2. God gave us lies so we'd have the fun of searching for the truth. When you take the cruel option and tell someone an irrelevent truth you defy god. It's plainly written in the bible - "Thou shalt not worship graven idols above me" or somesuch. What idol is more graven, more exalted in a truth-obsessed world, than the truth? He left us all this other crazy shit (like platypuses. I mean, honestly.) so we wouldn't have to stoop to the depths of being honest.

3. Lies make people blush. There are few things hotter than a blushing girl. If girls were forced to tell the truth all the time this wouldn't happen.

4. Lies mean we have secret agents. Has anyone NOT wanted to wear formal dress and save the world one cigar and hot girl/guy a time?

5. Lies give us governments. Like most people I like having something to complain about. Without lies I wouldn't be able to complain about the gov'ment because they'd be so unspeakably dull that no polite society would permit their mention. Does any civilised person discuss the issues without mentioning juicy stuff like corruption, sex scandals and hypocrisy? That's a rhetorical question by the way; see point 6.

6. Lies are the foundation of civilisation. Civilisations begin because some clever mug deceives enough people into giving him stuff that he becomes king. Without lies we'd still be up in the trees flinging poo at other monkeys. You can't live in a city that's built on truths; that's like living in a house built on the festering corpses of mutilated babies.

People would avoid you and the smell would drive you even more batshit insane.

7. People who are obsessed with the truth are no fun. Every time someone asks me if a) I really believe something I just said, or

something I claim happened actually did, I die a little inside. What's the point of telling the truth if you can tell an amusing anecdote that speaks to the deeper truth (ie is a blatant fabrication that you think sounds good or funny)? Sure some areas benefit from a little more truth than others (so-called 'serious' conversations) but in everyday life I would be utterly appalled if one of my friends went around telling truths all the time. I don't have friends so I can hear the truth about things; that's what enemies are for. Friends are how we escape the ugly sides of life in much the same way that a photographer smears vaseline over the lens when taking photos of the horrifically obese.

So in summary lies are good. They serve an important role in limiting the escape of unnecessary truth, they satisfy god's need for a little falsity and they're the very basis of human society. Next time you see someone you don't know tell them something blatantly false. I can promise you now you'll feel a lot better for the experience.

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Never looked at it that way. But very amusing! Thanks for the early morning laugh.

And I think you are a Gentleman and a Scholar. Well, at least a Scholar. Well, at least learned. Well....would you beleive passed kindergarten?

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This has me rollin' cacto! Have a cookie for my first hearty chuckle of the day! I'd give ya two but two's my limit (meager citizen that i am) and I gave the first one to kingbee for a half-assed chuckle.

Glad you liked it. I've been hearing a lot recently about honesty and it's something that's always bugged me. My natural support for untruths started to become this full-fledged pseudo philosophy when I got into Terry Pratchett books and then expanded further when I read Oscar Wilde's "The Picture of Dorian Grey".

Never looked at it that way.

Really? Read that book by Wilde. Lord Henry's statements have had a big influence on my philosophies. I think the world could do with more outrageous lies. They're far better than the boring ones most people come up with.

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Being as how my wife is slowly converting me to the wisdom of Terry Pratchett and that I've just started reading 'Picture of Dorian Gray' for the first time, I will save my 'truthful' praise of you for this article until I've been completely converted (or should that be perverted).

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I will save my 'truthful' praise of you for this article until I've been completely converted (or should that be perverted).

It only feels wrong the first time...

EDIT: and it seems this is my first feature article in nearly 2 years of blogging here. Yay for me!

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It only feels wrong the first time...

And here I am thinking it was something I ate

my first feature article in nearly 2 years of blogging here

:CONGRATS: One better than me, mate.

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EDIT: and it seems this is my first feature article in nearly 2 years of blogging here. Yay for me!

Congrats on the feature!

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Brilliant!
Pratchett is great too! Theif of Time anyone?

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And here I am thinking it was something I ate

Maybe it WAS...

:CONGRATS: One better than me, mate.

Really? I thought for sure you would have been featured already. Cheers to the doc too.

Pratchett is great too! Theif of Time anyone?

My favourite is Witches Abroad. The way he screws with all those fairy tales is hilarious.

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